Drag Me Out of the Dark - Phan
by awesomesockes
Summary: This story contains (warnings): boyXboy, fluff, some smutty situations, mental illness/borderline personality, self-harm, anxiety, bad language, drinking/partying, okay detailed 'carzy' situations. (NOT CLICHE! better when it sounds, pls read if you want. It's going to be worth your time) READ AN FOR MORE IMPORTANT INFORMATION, please! Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Phan story.
1. He is mine now

**Before you read the story, please read this first! Thank you!^.^**

This fanfiction is about Dan Howell (danisnotonfire) and Phil Lester (AmazingPhil) from youtube.

I don't claim Phan to be real, I ship it though. I don't know what I think, but this is for pure entertainment.

It is based on a slightly true story happened to myself. Some of it is true, some of it is not. (if you have ANY questions whatsoever, feel free to ask and I will answer! I don't want people to get confused. So please, ask away.)

**The story contains (warnings):** boyXboy, fluff, some smutty situations, mental illness/borderline personality, self-harm, anxiety, bad language, drinking/partying. **(This is applicable to all chapters!)**

**Quick summary of what is about to go on throughout the story:** Dan and Phil get together (sexy/cute times will appear regularly through the story of course). Dan starts feeling bad and don't know what is happening. He gets scared of this new feeling, but don't want to let Phil know. When Dan gets really ill Phil have to know that is going on. He only wants Dan to get well again, so he do whatever he can to help him.

By the time this first chapter is uploaded, the whole story is finished and saved on my computer. I am going to post a new chapter every Tuesday and Friday. (the story is in 11 or 12 parts. That's around 20.000 words.)

You will now know that it has an ending and you know that the next chapter is going to be up soon. You are sure that you don't have to wait weeks for the next chapter. Remember to follow so you can know how it's all going to end.

It took me a couple of weeks to write it, I have really done my best. Follow to join me on this journey, I promise it'll be worth it. So sit back and enjoy the ride!

The story jumps from Dan's pov. to Phil's pov. and then back. Mostly Dan's pov.

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Chapter 1: He is mine now.

Words: 1.987

DAN'S POV!

I watched Phil from a distance. We were at a party and he, from what I could see, had got quite a lot to drink. I haven't. I don't know why, I just didn't feel like drinking today.

I laughed to myself because of Phil's behaviour. He was dancing some sort of dance with PJ and Chris, but of course they were all drunk as hell, so it didn't even look like dancing, just jumping around.

Seeing Phil so happy, made me happy. Even though I knew I had to deal with him on our trip home. And walking a drunk friend home, is not easy.

_Oh god, Phil looked cute tonight... No Dan! No... Don't go there._ I had liked Phil for ages, but I was too scared to admit it to him. Scared of losing the best friendship I have ever had. It didn't bother me that much, because his friendship was the most important thing in the whole world. But sometimes I just wished we could take the next step. And when Phil got drunk, he got extremely cute and childish. And I couldn't help myself but stare.

His perfect smile, his perfect blue eyes. His black messy hair. I followed his moves around on the floor with my eyes. _His soft lips on mine.._

_Knock it off! _

"Heey Dan!" Phil bumped, nearly fell onto the couch next to me. Spilling some of his drink on the floor. I gently removed it from his hand and placed it on the table so it wouldn't get everywhere.

"You okay there, Phil?" I grinned. He was so close to my face I could almost taste the vodka myself. I don't think I have ever experience him this drunk, even though I had known him for four years.

"Yeap, totally oka." He slurred. "You havin fun?"

"Yes, yes I have." I smiled to him. He tried to look at me, but he was focusing everywhere else. "Maybe it's time for us to go home."

"Maybe you'rerigt." He agreed. I pulled him up from the couch.

"We're going home now PJ, because yeah.." I moved my gaze to Phil who gave to must drunken smile I have ever seen. "You know." I laughed. "It was fun. Thanks for the invitation."

"Good luck with him." PJ grinned and nodded in Phil's direction.

"Thanks. See you later!"

After saying goodbye to PJ, Chris where nowhere to be found, we walked outside. We didn't live that far away, only a five minutes' walk. I placed Phil's arm around my shoulders, he couldn't walk by himself. Or at least not straight.

"Can't you just help a little yourself?" I asked, he was quite heavy. I tried my best to get Phil with me, but he wouldn't coop. "Phil , please. Or else I have to drag you home." But he just send me those puppy eyes. "Phil, don't do that to me." I smiled to him. I loved his eyes and the way he could make himself look so innocent.

"Dowat?"

"Looking at me like that."

"You likeit?" He send me a cheesy smile. I just shook my head and looked down at me feet, trying to place them properly on the ground so we wouldn't fell over.

"Dan." He breathed out and swung one arm around me shoulder, making me lose my balance and we fell into a bush. It was three in the morning, this was not what I felt like doing. "You're actually quite cute, didyou know dat?" We were laying on the grass after our fall and Phil had landed on top of me.

"Phil, you're drunk. Please, can you put yourself together until we get home?" I couldn't make myself believe what he had just told me, so I decided to ignore it. Phil was drunk, he couldn't mean that.

"Can't we jhust sleepher?"

"No, please get up." I pulled him of the grass, but he dragged me back down.

"I wantto stay here."

"We can't! It's fucking cold, you're going to get sick or something." I started to get frustrated. "I'm the sober one, so I am in command. Now, do what I say. We are home in two minutes. Can you please pull yourself together until when?" I pulled him up once again, and this time we made it all the way home.

I managed to get him up the stairs and inside our flat.

"I'm going to put you to bed, okay?" He drunken nodded in response. I guided him to his bed, he sat down and his breath slowly started to turn into gasps. I knew what was coming so I quickly lifted him from the bed and dragged him towards the bathroom and placed him in front of the toilet. It didn't take him long to be violently sick into the bowl.

I gently rubbed his back in some sort of comfort. He managed to hit himself the second time he threw up.

He tried to wipe it off with his sleeve.

"Stop, stop, stop. You can't do that." I grabbed his wrists, but he kept going. Like his brain didn't understand what I was telling him. "Phil listen. We have to undress you instead." He started to unbutton his shirt. "That's going to take forever, Phil."

"Then halp." I doubt for a second, but bent down and started to unbutton the buttons.

"Idiot." I laughed and pulled the shirt of off him. "I need your pants too." Phil tried to undue his belt, but failed. He just gave me a look saying: 'please do it, Dan.' I sighed and did it, he would probably not remember anything tomorrow.

I was on my knees right in front of his face.

"You still look cute.." Phil slurred, leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine. I completely froze. Phil is kissing me? Wait, he had just thrown up. But it felt to good too care. I stared to kiss back, even though my brain told me not to. Phil didn't want his, he was too drunk to think straight. But I couldn't stop myself.

_Stop Dan, stop, stop._ And my prayer was heard when Phil pulled away.

"Ohgad I'm sorri Daniel." I wanted to tell him that he didn't have to be sorry, that I wanted to continue and never stop. But of course he didn't want to.

I shook my head a bit and continued to unbutton his pants and helped him pull them off.

"If you're finished, could we please just go to bed?" I asked slightly disappointed. Phil nodded, I helped him up and placed him back on the bed.

I had a big argument in my head about whether I should stay and sleep in Phil's bed or my own. He was really drunk and I didn't like just leaving him even though I was just in the next room.

I decided to stay and sleep with him. I quickly stripped out of my clothes and lay down in the bed next to Phil. By the time I got under the duvet, Phil was already out cold asleep.

I couldn't resist the temptation, leaned forward and placed a small kiss on his forehead.

"Goodnight, your moron."

"Oh god. This hangover is going to be the death of me." I heard Phil complain from the toilet.

"It's not my fault you can't control yourself!" I giggled back. We have slept almost the whole day, Phil had been useless because of the hangover.

"I'm sorry, Dan."

"Sorry? Sorry for what?" I asked.

"For yesterday. It wasn't my intention to get that drunk." Phil claimed back into bed. I was still wondering if he could remember anything.

"Things happen, Phil. It's okay. Sometimes it have to be my turn to look after you. I'm not complaining. I had a good time anyway."

"You sure?"

"Absolutely sure Phil. It was fun. I don't mind looking after you."

" I'm never going to drink, ever again!" He closed his eyes and pulled the duvet over his head.

"Do you remember anything from last night, maybe?" I asked shyly. One side of me really wanted him to remember and then again, I really don't.

"Hmmm... Not really." He hesitated. "Wait a minute.." Phil opened his eyes. "Oh god! I'm so sorry Dan!" He sat up and looked me in the eyes. He remembered.

"Ehh.. It's okay, Phil. Don't be sorry."

"But..." Something kicked me out of me shyness and I placed my lips on his. Regretting it instantly because I didn't knew what I was doing. My mind was panicking and I just wanted to run away and never come back. This could ruin the best friendship I have ever had. But I desperate wanted to know if he felt the same way as I did.

But Phil started to kiss back. He actually kissed back. I hold my lips still on his, but after a moment I started to move them, our lips moved in sync. I turned us around so I was now on top of Phil, pushing him further down into the bed. I have waited for this so long. His lips were softer than expected and it just made me want more.

"Be careful. Hangover, remember?" Phil breathed. I mumbled an understanding, not sure if he even heard me. I was speechless. But I quickly got Phil to shut up.

He licked my lower lip, asking for entrees. I smiled into the kiss. I couldn't believe this was happening. It was like our tongues danced together. He carefully bite my lip.

We pulled apart for air. I sat back up and looked down, both of my legs on each side of him. I moved my hands all over this torso and chest, biting my lip as I did. The feeling of touching Phil's chest was driving me crazy, I have fantasised about this so many times. My pants were becoming more uncomfortable to wear the more I touched. Phil's gaze travelled around my body.

"Like what you see?" He asked when he saw the bugle on my pants. I felt my cheeks turning slightly red, but I couldn't help it. I nodded in response and started to move my hips slowly in wave-moves against his.

He grabbed me by my neck and dragged me back down so I now lay next to him. He started to kiss my jaw line and moved his way down to my neck, making me moan. He knew it was my weak spot. He softly started to bite and suck on the sensitive skin. I could feel his hand travel down my body, making me temple a little. He stopped at my crotch and slowly started to massage my erection through the fabric. Making me moan even louder. I couldn't get enough of this.

"Phil, Please. Touch me." I whispered, but he just kept massaging me. I bucked my hips in frustration, I wanted more. "Stop teasing." Phil stopped and looked me in the eyes.

"I have to make sure you want this."

"I what this." I had a hard time controlling my body. "More than anything." I breathed into his face and gave him a face full of lust.

**I'm sorry, I do not write smut! I'm so, so sorry. I will not say this part never will be up... Maybe I'll write it in later! Maybe. I'll not promise anything. But for now, use your imagination, I know you can do it(; My mind is so innocent, I'm sorry! :b**

**This chapter was uploaded: **19. November 2013 (just to let you know that if we're suddenly in year 2077, then this part is probably not going to be wrote into the story, hehe)

"What does this make us?" I whispered into Phil's neck.

"What do you want this to make us?" He quietly giggled.

"You know what I want. I just want to know if you want it to." Phil slowly turned around, our noses almost touched.

He placed his lips on mine, in a soft caring kiss. "You just got your answer." He laughed.

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**Please continue! ^_^**


	2. I can't tell you

Chapter 2: I can't tell you

Words: 1.306

DAN'S POV!

"Are you okay?" Phil asked from the other side of the couch. It was just a typical evening and we were playing videogames.

"Yeah, it's just a headache." I lied. I have had a pretty rough headache for the past few weeks, almost sense the party. I pressed my hand against my head. This wasn't just a headache, but I was already on too many pills trying to get rid of it. Phil put down the controller and moved closer to me.

"Dan." He looked serious at me, I didn't like that.

"I'm okay Phil. Please move away from me." I closed my eyes, in hope to get some relief from the pain.

"I can tell you're not okay, Dan." Phil didn't move away and it started to freak me out for some reason. "How much do you sleep?"

_How can he know anything about that?_ I hadn't slept probably sense the headaches started. I couldn't sleep and when I did I constantly had nightmares. It was not that bad in the beginning, having nightmares was normal. But it was getting worse. After we had started to be a couple, we started to sleep in the same bed of course, but most nights I just lay awake. And sometimes I moved to my own room, afraid to wake Phil up or something. I didn't want him to get worried.

"Anything you would like to talk about?"

God, this headache was getting bad.

"I.. it's okay Phil. It's nothing, please stop asking." I took my head in both my hands and squeezed my eyelids together.

"Dan, if you were okay you wouldn't do this." He sounded worried.

"I just need a moment, Phil. Relax." I muttered into my hands. It felt like my brain was burning.

"Whatever is the problem, I promise it'll be okay." He pulled my into a hug. But I didn't like it. _What is wrong with me? Phil hugs always calms me down._ I couldn't handle this new feeling and realised myself from him. For Phil's big surprise. I wanted to let him hold me and make me feel safe, but something in my mind wouldn't let that happen.

I leaned back on the couch. A strike of pain stroke through my head and my vision blurred. I tried to look at Phil, but I just saw a black shadow. The shadow moved closer, my heartbeat was raising. I didn't knew what was happening. So I just froze like a statue in panic. I pressed my fingers hard against my eyes and shook my head. My whole body was shaking. I felt sick, but I couldn't move. _Breath slowly, Dan. Focus. Swallow, breath._

I looked around again, Phil had placed himself on his knees in front of me. I panicking searched the room for the shadow, or what it was, but it was nowhere to be found.

"Dan." He laid his hands on my knee and tried to get eye contact with me.

"I... really don't... feel well, Phil..." I managed to say through my gasping breaths. But that was all I got the chance to do before I threw up on the floor between my legs. Phil ran to the kitchen and was back in less than a second with a bucket and held it under my head. My head was pounding. I can't believe this is happening, how embarrassing.

I wrapped my arms around the bucket so I could hold it myself. I rested my head against the side of the bucket. I took a deep breath and Phil eminently grabbed my head and held it while I threw up again. He gently rubbed my back for comfort.

"Oh god.." I murmured and closed my eyes. I cough a few times and spat into the bucket.

He let out a worried sigh and kept rubbing my back while I tried to calm my breathing down.

"Can you move a bit so I can clean the floor?" He asked and I slowly moved to the other end of the couch.

"I'm sorry." It was not fair that Phil had to clean up after me.

"It's okay. Are you finished?" He asked after he had removed the vomit from the floor. I couldn't quite figure out if he was annoyed or worried.

"I think so.." I whispered and Phil took the bucket out of my hands.

"I'll go and clean this. Then you can go to bed, okay?" I nodded in response.

I didn't want to go to sleep. I didn't like the thought, it made me scared. The headache made me dizzy and I just wanted to cry. Everything felt so unreal.

"We can place it beside the bed in case you need it through the night, okay?" He placed the clean bucket on the floor. "Are you feeling better?"

I wanted to tell him everything. How I knew this wasn't _just _a headache and I have had it for weeks. About my nightmares and why I couldn't sleep. How I couldn't focus or think straight. How afraid and confused I was about everything all the time. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore. But I couldn't tell him, my mind wouldn't let me, even though I wanted to so bad.

"Yes." I lied. _Please Phil. Read my mind, I want to tell you everything, but I just can't! Help me._ I tried to persuade myself to say it out loud. _Come on, Dan._ Nothing happened.

Phil got into the bed beside me and wrapped his arms tightly around me for comfort. He buried his head in my neck, but suddenly pulled away and swung me around so I looked directly into his face. He looked concerned and quickly moved a hand to my forehead.

"Jesus, Dan! You're melting." _Did I have a fever? Had I made myself sick?_ Phil put his hand on his own forehead and then back on mine, to make sure he was right.

"It's probably from the headache, Phil. I'm okay, honestly." But Phil was already out of bed.

"Stay here." Phil said. I sighed and closed my eyes, but quickly opened them again. It felt like I was being struck by lightning every time I closed my eyes. _Another night without sleep!_ I could just cry by that thought.

"Take these, they will lower the fever." He came back with some pills and I swallowed them. "Take your clothes of."

"What?" I asked confused.

"Take your clothes of, you need to cool down." He commanded once more and started to pull my t-shirt of. Before I got the chance to help, he pulled down my pj's too.

"Relax Phil. You want my underpants too?"

"No, you can keep them on this time." He said and placed a kiss on my forehead.

"Uhh, Phil.. You don't think we have some sort of sleeping medication I can have?" He looked surprised at me. _Why did I ask. Why did I ask. Why did I ask... _I looked away from his gaze.

"Sure..." He hesitated, but I couldn't bear another night without any sleep.

"You can have a half." Phil handled me the other pill and stared worried down on me with his beautiful blue eyes. I could tell he wanted to say something, but decided not to and just climbed back to bed.

Phil put his arm back around me and I stared to relax more. While I lay with Phil holding me close, I really started to feel the fever. Sweat peeked on my skin, but having Phil hugging me calmed me down, so I didn't want to move him even though I was about to melt. Phil fell asleep first with his head buried in my neck. It took me about an hour to follow him into the world of dreams.

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******Please continue! ^_^**


	3. It can't be blood

Chapter 3: It can't be blood

Words: 2.190

DAN'S POV!

"Dan. It's time to get up." Phil gently brushed some hair away from my forehead. I took me a minute to understand what was happening. It was always confusing being woken up.

"5 more minutes." I yawned and turned around, preparing myself to get up.

"I have to go into town today. I thought you would like to go with me? Maybe we could eat some lunch or get a coffee or something." He bent down and started to kiss me softly before he removed my duvet completely.

"Mmmmh.. Give me a moment to wake up." I took the duvet back from Phil and turned around.

"If I let you do this, you're never going to wake up." He laughed and pulled the duvet fully away.

"But it's so cold.." I complained and sat up, just so I could drag Phil back down onto the bed. "If you won't let me have my duvet I'll just use you." I said and wrapped my arms around Phil who lay on top of me.

"Dan. Get up." He giggled.

"No. You're so warm." I placed my lips on his and moved my hands so I could mess up his hair.

"I've just fixed that you know."

"I know." I laughed and kept rumpling his hair while I kissed my way down his neck.

"We don't get to do anything if you don't let me go." He said. I moved my hands down to feel is body. He let out a small moan as I did. "We don't have time for this."

"Are you busy?" I whispered in his ear and let my hand travel around his body.

"No." He moaned. "But I really want to get something out of this day. Come on, get up."

"Fiiine." I sighed and released him.

"I've made you toast for breakfast." He said from the hallway while I picked some close to wear.

* * *

We had walked around the town for a couple of hours when we decided to get something to eat. I just wanted to go home really, but Phil wanted this. I guess I was a bit hungry too.

My head was pounding really bad and I had a hard time concentrate on the menu. I could feel my body started to tremble a little. I put the card down with an unsteady move and placed my head in my hands, letting out a small sigh.

"Are you okay?" Phil whispered. His voice suddenly sounded strange, like he wasn't speaking next to me, but from a long distance. "Dan?" I couldn't do anything, I just stayed with my head in my hands. I started to sweat. This wasn't normal. _What is happening?_ I felt my stomach turn around and felt the need to be sick, but that feeling was quickly replaced by fear and anger.

I slowly moved my head to tell Phil what something was very wrong.

"Are you okay, Daniel?" Everything went in slow motion as I looked at him, my breathing became heavy. Phil placed a hand on my shoulder.

_Why is he touching me? He can't touch me!_ I moved away like his hand was poison.

"Are you okay, Daniel?" _Why is he repeating himself? What do he want?!_ He looked at me with a wrinkled forehead and I wondered if his world moved in slow motion too. I heard him mumble, but everything was quiet.

His eyes. Phil eyes. As he blinked blood started to run down his cheeks like tears. The more he blinked, the more blood. I froze in panic. It flowed down and onto the table, slowly. I followed with my eyes. From Phil's eyes to the table and back up. _No._

"_Dan_?" He's eyes were filled with blood. The blue and white was gone and replaced with red. I slowly moved one shaky hand up to this cheek, gently stroke the blood away, but the feeling was weird.

No blood. No wet, red blood.

I quickly pulled my hand back, looked at it and slowly started to hyperventilate. My heartbeat raise and I was about to lose control to the fear. I could see Phil was speaking to me, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. My headache still scratching my skull.

I let out and unwilling moan of pure fear, making the rest of the restaurant to turn around and look at me. It was like a horror movie. Everybody's eyes were bleeding. I grabbed hard onto the sides of the table and sat stiff in my chair. It was like someone shook my head and forced me to focus, everything was blurry and unstable. One big massy red blur, like seeing the world with drunken eyes.

My mind was screaming. If it wasn't because I tried so hard to breath, I would scream.

"Do you want to get out?" Phil whispered. Me breathing was getting worse, so I couldn't answer.

But there were nothing in this world I wanted more. I managed to make and nearly invisible nod, but somehow Phil understood and pulled me up. Everybody's eyes pointed in our direction. But I could barely see anyone, my vision was one big blur.

"What's happening, Phil?" I gasped confused. Phil had dragged me outside and into an ally, away from people. He didn't answer. Of course he didn't. He couldn't see what I saw.

I pressed my hands hard against my head. As hard as I possibly could, while I bit my teeth hard together and breathed heavy. I placed myself on the ground, still holding my head. I just wanted to cry. Run away. Away from the fear and the stress. It was hard for me to let Phil see me like this. _He can't she me like this._

Phil bent down to stand on his knees in front of me. He slowly grabbed my wrists and moved my hands away from my head. I did my best not to look at him, afraid of what I might see, but I couldn't help it and looked. No blood. Only blue, worried eyes, looking straight into my panicking brown ones.

He moved around me and pulled me into a hug. Not just a normal hug, but a 'I want to save you' kind of hug. I don't think anyone had ever cared so much about me as Phil showed in that hug. This hug showed his love to me.

That was the one thing sending me over the edge and I just started crying in frustration into Phil's chest.

I couldn't understand anything anymore. My mind was one big mess with thoughts flying around and not making sense. I didn't know how to feel. Sad? Afraid? Angry? Weak? I was just an empty shell.

I had calmed enough down to feel how cold it was. It was in the only a week before Christmas, but no snow had come yet.

Phil moved and got us to stand. "I'll go get our stuff. Stay here, okay? I'll be back quickly."

I nodded and sniffed in response.

Phil sat down on the couch, making a sign to me that I should come sit next to him. I did and he eminently pulled me into his lap, just like he did outside the restaurant

We just sat in silence. Me trying to sort out my thoughts, with not much luck. I guess Phil did the same.

I laid my head on his chest. I was exhausted, my head was still hurting and everything was still so confusing. I closed my eyes, just to rest them for a second.

PHIL'S POV!

Dan placed his head on my chest. Something was definitely wrong with him. I had never in the four years I had known him ever seen him like this. And the fact that he didn't want to tell me, broke my heart. I guess it was just hard for him, but I just wanted to help him. Why wouldn't he let me?

I felt him relax while I gently stroke his back. Then I heard light snoring. Had he fallen asleep? Whatever was wrong it drained him from energy. Maybe he was really ill? I started to get a little more worried.

He had to be really tried or else he would have woken up then I moved him from my lap and laid him down on the couch.

Even though I was so scared of what was going on, I couldn't help myself but smile by the look of him. He looked adorable while he slept.

I decided to leave him to sleep for a bit and work on my new video.

DAN'S POV!

I woke up by something touching my forehead. _Wait. Did I fall asleep?_ Phil stood above me, looking down.

"What argh-are you doing?" I asked sleepy.

"Sorry. I didn't meant to wake you up. I was just checking if you had a fever. You don't look so good."

"Why thank you.." I mumbled into the sofa pillows.

"You know what I mean."

"I'm fine, Phil. Please, let me sleep."

"You have already slept over two hours. What happened Dan?" He asked and sat down beside me on the couch.

"I-I don't know." It was slightly true, but I couldn't tell him exactly what was going on in my head. Mostly because I didn't have a clue myself. He would think I was crazy. He would get scared of me, maybe leave me. I couldn't put Phil through the pain.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No.."

"Dan. I'm really worried about you. Please help me understand."

"There's nothing to understand, Phil. Now, knock it off, would you?" I groaned.

"No, I won't."

"It's nothing..." I muttered and slowly turned around on the couch so I faced the black pillows, away from phil.

"I'm in the office if you need me." He sighed and walked away.

* * *

We were just lying in silence on my bed. Phil gently played with my hair and once in a while placed a kiss on my lips. Each time a longer and longer one. He let his tongue dragged across my lips.

He kept going on with the kissing and making love bites on my neck until I started to kiss back.

"Please don't do that. You know it's my weak spot." I arched my back in pleasure.

"What's the point." He whispered softly.

"Stop.."

"Why?" He didn't listen.

"Because."

"Because?" He still didn't stop.

"Just because!" I nearly yelled. But I was just as shocked as Phil was. I didn't mean to yell, at all. A moment of unwilling rage flushed over me, I could just punch him in the face and I wouldn't regret it. "I-I-I'm sorry." I got up and ran towards the bathroom.

"_What is wrong with you, Daniel?" _I whispered to myself and looked in the mirror. I have always had some small anger issues, but this was just scary. There was nothing I wanted more in this world than to beat the shit out of Phil. And he hadn't done anything, only than being caring and nice to me. I couldn't recognize myself anymore.

My hands started to shake. I looked at them like they weren't a part of me. Like they didn't belonged to my body. They had their own life and could do whatever they wanted, and I couldn't stop them.

_Hit someone? Kill someone?_

I stuck my teeth into my hand and bit as hard as I could.

"Dan, please open up."

I stuck my teeth into my skin again, leaving a clear set of teeth printed onto the skin. I kept going further up my arm until I couldn't reach any longer.

I did the same to my other arm. I felt my teeth go through the thin surface. Blood started to run down my arm, but that didn't stop me.

I didn't stop until both of my arms were cover with prints of teeth. Some of them were bleeding, others were slowly turning blue and dark red.

I started to sob quietly. The feelings in my arms were slowly coming back. All the muscles were aching because of the pressure I had put to them. It felt like some of them were in half.

My sobs became higher and I became aware that Phil was knocking on the door.

"Open the door!" He raised his voice. My hands were so unsteady that I nearly couldn't turn the key.

Phil swung the door open and rushed in, but stopped when he saw me. He looked down my arms.

"I-I d-don't k-know why I-I d-did it." My whole body was shaking violently. "They j-just told m-me to." It was hard to speak.

"Who?" Phil slowly moved closer. But I just started crying and backed away, against the wall. "Shh.. It's okay." He followed with his arms stretched out to the sides. He pulled me into a hug, but it just made my cry even more. Mixed with the pain from my arms.

"I can't handle this, Phil..." I cried into this chest, while his arms were around me.

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**Please continue! ^_^**


	4. Christmas

Chapter 4: Christmas

Words: 2.550

PHIL'S POV!

"This is going to be the best Christmas ever!" I said while we decorated the tree. This year it was only me and Dan. We would get the Christmas to ourselves. Dan's family were on vacation and he didn't felt like going. I should have been with my parents, but they travelled to my grandparents instead.

So me and Dan were alone. Until I had to go home for a couple of days, but that was after Christmas.

"You're so quiet. Are you okay? Is something wrong?" I moved my gaze from the tree to him. I watched him for a second before he answered. He looked a bit sad and his arms were still covered in teeth marks. They had all turned into a whole rainbow of colours.

"I'm fine." I felt so bad for leaving him after Christmas, but he convinced me that we would be okay. He said he had some video stuff he should do.

"Are you sure?" He nodded and looked away.

"Enough tree for now! Can you help me make dinner?" I jumped up and walked towards Dan. Grabbed him around the waist, locked my hands together on his back and rested my forehead on his.

"You look amazing today, did you know that?" I said to him, looking straight into his beautiful dark brown eyes.

"I thought I always looked amazing?" He joked back.

"You do. But you look extra amazing today." I giggled back and started to kiss him.

"Luckily one of you do then." He said and started laughing.

"You little..." I answered and began to tickle his sides, making him laugh even more. It made me so happy seeing Dan like this. He haven't been himself lately. He was afraid of going outside, afraid to sleep. He woke up from nightmares every night and it took forever to calm him down. He rarely looked me in the eyes and wasn't very glad for me touching him.

I tried to talk to him, but he got so angry each time and started shouting at me. It was really scary sometimes. But after a bit he completely changed and started crying and shaking. I really didn't know what to do, so I decided to let him take his pace.

But today was a good day. He seemed more happy and it felt like I could relax more around him.

"Phil! Stop! I'm dying!" He laughed. "I can't breathe!"

"What if I do this!" I grabbed his sides again.

"Stop!" He placed his lips on mine and that cut me of my actions.

"Okay, okay! Let's make some food." I put my hand in his and dragged him with me to the kitchen. "Can you find some wine for us?"

"White or red?"

"Hmm, both." I answered.

"You're planning on getting me drunk?" Dan grinned.

"Maybe." I smirked to him.

This was probably one of the best days in a long time. Dan seemed so happy and it really warmed my heart. We joked around like we used to while we cooked. I really did my best with the food. I wanted him to feel loved. Dan couldn't cook that well, so he mostly helped me cut some things and empty the wine bottles.

"This is so good Phil! I don't even think my mother could have done it better."

"I'm glad you like it. Only the best for you." I gave him a big smile to show my appreciation.

"I love you, Phillip." He said down to his plate, but quickly looked up. His eyes sparkled like the Christmas lights behind him. You could barely tell the difference.

"I love you too, Daniel." His cheeks were slowly turning red and he smiled wide as he looked down again. He couldn't get more adorable, even if he tried.

* * *

We were watching some of the Christmas shows on TV. Dan was curled up like a ball next to me with his head on my chest. I was lazily playing with his hair while I shipped to my class of wine.

"I have an early Christmas present for you, you know." Dan said and swung his head around so he could look at me. I could tell he was slightly intoxicated because of his movements.

"And what is that?" I giggled down to him.

"Oh, I think you know what I'm talking about." Dan got up and swung one leg over my lap so he was now sat on my knees. Removed the glass of wine from my hand and emptied it quickly. He placed both his hands on my shoulders and moved his head towards me. He give me a quick kiss before he moved his arms behind my neck and lean further forward, burring his head in my hair, giving me a tight hug. Our chests against each others.

"You are the best thing that have ever happened to me, did you know that?" He mumbled into my neck.

"And you are the best thing that have ever happened to me Dan, did you know that?" I gently pulled him away from my neck to face him."This is best Christmas I've ever had." I said while looking him into the eyes.

"And it keeps getting better." He said with a gaze full of lust before he once more leaned forward and placed his lips on mine. Of course we had kissed endless of time through the past few weeks, but something was different about this kiss. It showed so much love and passion.

**I'm sorry, I do not write smut! I'm so, so sorry. I will not say this part never will be up... Maybe I'll write it in later. I'll not promise anything. But for now, use your imagination, I know you can do it(; My mind is so innocent, I'm sorry! :b**

**This chapter was uploaded: **25. November 2013 (just to let you know that if we're suddenly in year 2077, then this part is probably not going to be wrote into the story, hehe)

* * *

"Wake up! Dan! DAN!" I stormed into the bedroom. It was already 8am. I normally got up at 5 on Christmas, but Dan would hate me forever if I woke him up at that time. So I waited.

"What is it, Phil?" He murmured under his duvet.

"It's Christmas! Santa have been here!"

"Santa?" He laughed. "How old do you think we are?" He slowly removed his cover.

"Hmm, 6?" I answered and claimed into the bed on my hands and knees. "Now get up. I've made pancakes."

"5 more minutes, please."

"I'll give you 5 minutes to wake up. And get dressed." I got up again and walked around the bed. Grabbing his duvet on my way, pulled it off of him and dragged it with me out in the hallway, leaving him completely naked in bed.

"PHIL! Arh, you idiot!"

"Get up!" I laughed to him from the kitchen.

DAN'S POV!

"It smells wonderful." I said to him after we sat down around the table. In front of me was the largest mountain of pancakes I have ever seen. Phil had really tried to make this the best Christmas. And it was all for me. "I don't deserve all this."

"Of course you do!" Phil replied and handled me a couple of pancakes.

"Thank you. I really mean it, thank you Phil." I saw his cheeks slowly turning red.

"How are you feeling today?" Phil asked after a while of silence.

"Okay. I'm okay.." No I wasn't. Phil had to leave in a couple of hours and I was about to freak out inside. But I would not force him to stay. He haven't seen his family in a long time and I wouldn't be the thing that stopped it from happening. I couldn't tell him how I felt about it. He really wanted to go. But I had a hard time handle the thoughts about being alone.

"Dan. Please tell me if there's something wrong."

"Can't we just leave it? I want presents.." I tried to get him away from the subject.

"Okay.. Okay, let's go open them then."

PHIL'S POV!

I wanted to make sure he was okay before I left. But I didn't want to ruin the mood.

I placed myself on the couch while Dan sat down beside the tree.

"You start." I said so him.

"Hmm.. I think I'll take this one." He picked one from his parents and opened it. "Oh my god. This is too much.."

"What is it?"

"A new camera. These are so expensive." He looked at the package. It was indeed a nice camera.

"Lucky you!"

"Your turn." Dan said and placed the camera on the floor.

"I'll pick that one." I pointed at a quite big flat present.

"That's from me.." Dan said in a strange voice and handled it to me. I looked like a question mark because of the way he said it. "You know I bought all of my Christmas presents a long time ago, but I didn't bought anything for you, because I wanted it to be special.." He stopped and looked at his hands. "..I wanted to have more time to think about the perfect gift for you. But then things started to get a little weird with me and.. you know..." I saw a tear drop from his eye and down onto his hand. "..I-I was afraid of going outside.. a-and you couldn't go with me because then you would see what you would get.." He sniffed a couple of times. He really wanted to tell this so a wouldn't interrupt by comforting him, so I stayed on the couch. "..So I-I didn't get you anything... I wanted to, but I was too afraid of going outside..." He rubbed his eyes with his sleeve and looked at me. "I'm sorry." He sniffed.

I slowly removed the paper. Whatever it was, he certainly spent a lot of time wrapping it up.

It was a picture. Or not just one picture. A whole collage of pictures of us. Pictures from the last 4 years. He had photoshopped all kinds together. From our videos we had made together. From our holidays, from playlist live and other events we had been to. From our private camera we used for funny pictures when we got bored. I just kept looking at it, it was amazing.

"This is perfect Dan... I-I love it."

"You do?" He asked shyly.

"Yes! Yes, of course I do!" I said and moved it to the side so I could look at him. His eyes were still classy because of the tears. "It's amazing Dan. I really mean it." I wanted to make him understand that he didn't have to buy some expensive present to make me happy. I knew he had a hard time going outside these days. I could see that he really had spent a lot of time on this and it meant the world to me because this was really for me and nobody else. He made it for _me_. I couldn't ask for more.

I watched Dan as he got up from the floor and walked towards me. He slowly sat down beside me on the couch, but I quickly pulled him into my arms.

"I love it so much. I'm gonna put it on the wall." I whispered into his hair. I heard him giggle a little. "And beside that, I think you gave me a pretty good present yesterday too." I smirked to him and gently dragged my fingers through his hair, messing it up slightly.

"We have more presents, you know.." Dan said after a while. "I'll like to open that one now." Dan pointed at mine to him.

"It's from me." I whispered to him. Dan released himself from my arms and walked towards the tree and picked up the package.

He looked like a little child sitting like that on the floor by the Christmas three, smiling at me.

"Phil..."

"What?" I giggled back.

"This is amazing."

"Do you like it?"

"Are you kidding? It's the best thing ever!" He turned it around in his hands. I gave him the big Game of Thrones behind-the-scenes book and all seasons in blu-ray and the last book he needed. Basically all kind of Game of Thrones things.

"Open it." I said and he did as he was told.

"No way... Phil, are you serious?" He pick up a piece of paper.

"Yes. It's real."

"You got fucking Shaun Mark Bean's autograph!"

"Yes." I laughed at his reaction. He got up from the floor and tackled me down into the sofa pillows.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" He kept laying on top of me. "But how?" He asked.

"He was on the radio that day I went to the meeting at the BBC." (I'll like to point out that they do not have their radio show yet at this time, because it couldn't fit into the story. But let's say Phil went to a meeting about some plans about starting a radio show at BBC.)

"He was? I wish was there.." We were both invited to the meeting of course. The BBC wanted to give us our own radio show. But Dan had a massive headache what day and couldn't go without being afraid of getting sick. So I went alone.

"Don't think about it. You would probably just fangirl so much that he would get scared."

"Maybe you're right." He laughed and gave me a kiss.

We opened the rest of the presents before I had to start packing to stuff I needed at my parents. Dan watched me from my bed while I did it.

DAN'S POV!

I tried my best to look like I didn't care about him leaving. But I suddenly became aware that he was actually leaving for a couple of days. It was happening. And I had to be alone, alone with myself.

"I'm home before you know it." We are in the hallway. I stood leaned against the wall and looked at him putting his coat on. "I've made you some food for each day. You just have to warm it up."

"Thanks." I muttered.

"Dan. Please tell me if you want me to stay."

"NO! No, Phil. I'm fine, seriously. I think you shall go see your parents. I'll be okay." I tried to convince him.

"If you mean it…"

"I mean it! I really do. I'll be fine."

"I'll call you all the time. Promise me you'll pick it up each time. I want to make sure you're okay.."

"Yes mum.." I joked and looked down.

"Okay, okay. My taxi is here now." Phil gave me a worried gaze. "Come here."

I walked towards Phil who stretched out his arms so he could give me a hug. He held my very tight, I could barely breath, but it felt good.

"I'll miss you so much." Me began to swing me from side to side. Phil pulled my chin up and crashed his lips on mine. "I." _Kiss._ "Love." _Kiss._ "You." _Kiss_. I giggle a bit into the kisses.

I watched Phil getting into the cap from our window. Now I was completely alone. _Alone._

* * *

**Please continue! ^_^**


	5. I can't be alone

Chapter 5: I can't be alone

Words: 3.060

DAN'S POV!

I was holding a knife. Prepared to use it. Phil was coming up from behind, I could hear him. My body was shaking and I quickly turned around. So much anger rushed through my body.

"Don't do it. Dan, this isn't you."

"It is me Phil. I'm dangerous, get away from me."

"No. I want to help you."

"I can't be helped, Phil. Just look at me." He moved closer, trying to take the knife from my hand.

"DONT'T TOUCH ME! You can't do that! I'll hurt you."

"No you won't." He moved even closer. Why didn't he listen?

"I can kill you, I will kill you." He froze. I one quick movement I lifted my hand up to his throat, pressing the knife against his skin.

"You won't do that.."

"Watch me."

"Dan, please."

"WELL SOMEONE HAVE TO DIE TONIGHT!" My breathing speed up. "IF IT ISN'T YOU. WHO'S IT GOING TO BE?"

I moved the knife from Phil's throat to my own. Closed my eyes and pulled.

My eyes flickered open. I was bathing in sweat, gasping for air. I quickly sat up in the bed.

I had finally fell asleep, but just to wake up two hours later because of this nightmare. I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep again after this. But I was just so tired. I leaned back on the pillows and pressed my hands against my eyes. It was the first night without Phil. I was completely alone.

I was sure I wouldn't make it through the week. I had no one to calm me down now. Only myself and my own mind. And I was scared of myself and my own mind. I couldn't be trusted.

I wanted to call him and ask him to come back, but that was selfish. He shouldn't leave his family just because of me. I wasn't worth it.

I started crying. Why was this happening to me?

* * *

After a couple of hours the sun began to shine through my windows. I decided to get out of bed and film the new video I talked about I would do. My fans were desperate for one. I hadn't made one in a long time. My mind was too busy with all kinds of crazy thoughts and emotions. My family gave me the new camera. Now was the time for using it, even though I wasn't in the mood for a video.

I placed the camera on my desk and turned it on.

"Hello, internet!" _No that didn't sound right._

"Hello internet!" _No, no, no._

"Hello internet!" _Dan, please. Pull yourself together, you have done this millions of times._

"Hello motherfucking internet!"

I just couldn't say it. I couldn't. I felt my heartbeat raise a bit. What is wrong with me?

"ARGH DAN! JUST SAY IT ALREADLY!" I shouted into the empty space and flipped everything on my desk around. Making my stuff flying everywhere.

I started scratching my arms in pure frustration.

"I... can't.. breathe." I nervously looked around. My mind went blank and I got up from my chair. I didn't knew what I was doing. My feet dragged me around the apartment and I had no control. I walked to the kitchen and picked up the biggest knife we had. Run as fast as I could back to my room and pressed myself against the wall into the corner. I was angry and scared at the same time and I didn't knew witch one I should react on.

I felt dizzy because of the lack of oxygen to my head. I was hyperventilating really violently. My heartbeat hurt like hell in my chest.

_What if someone is here to kill you?_

_Stop it._

_Phil can't save you._

_Stop it._

_You can't use that knife._

_Stop it._

_Use it on yourself instead._

_Stop it._

_If you do, it will stop._

I pressed both my hands against my ears and screamed, trying to block the voices, the screams and the different emotions in my head.

_You are dangerous Dan. What if you kill someone?_

_But I don't want to._

_Yes you do. Phil can't live with someone like you. You have to be locked away._

"STOP IT!"

* * *

I don't know for how long I stayed in the corner. I lost track of time. All I know is that it became dark and bright again. Which means that I've had been here for a long time.

All my muscles were aching because of all the shaking and sobbing. I suddenly became aware of my surroundings and looked down at my body. Just moving a finger hurt so much. I looked at the knife in my hand, there were blood on it. I looked at my arms. Straight red lines were drawn. I threw the knife away and lifted my arms up to properly look at them. I had no clue how that happen, I couldn't remember.

I tried to stand, but I was too dizzy and my vision blurred. I crawled towards my bed to pick up my phone.

_Missed calls: Phil 12 times._

I looked at the clock. 11am. He had to be really nervous, I promised to pick it up every time he called.

I entered Phil's number with my unsteady hands and waited for him to pick up his phone. I didn't knew how to start or what I should say, so I just breathed heavy into the phone.

"Dan? Are you okay?" He asked concerned.

"I.. I don't know Phil." I started to sob.

"What happened?"

"They keeps getting louder, Phil. I can't stop it. I can't stop myself." I whispered.

"Who, Dan?" Phil said in a serious voice.

"I don't know who! Stop asking who. I don't know." Tears slowly ran down my cheeks.

"Shh, Dan. Please don't cry. What are they saying?"

"I can't understand, they're just getting louder. The screams. Make th-them s-st-stop, Ph-Phil."

"Calm down, relax okay. Do you want me to come home?"

"Do you think I'm crazy, Phil?" I ignored his question.

He let out a worried, but tired sigh, before he spoke. "I don't think you're crazy, Daniel. I don't know what I think.."

Silence.

"I can't handle this anymore, Phil." I couldn't stop crying, it was too much.

"I'm coming home as fast as I can, okay?"

"I-I-I'm so s-scared Ph-Phil."

"Where's nothing to be scared of. Relax okay. I'll take the first train home. Try to get some rest."

I stayed in my bed under my duvet, too scared to get out. I couldn't sleep even though I was so tired my eyes were burning. Everything was hurting, my head, my arms, all my muscles. I just wanted to cry, but I had no energy left. I was angry at myself. I was angry at Phil. But I was also so scared I couldn't even look out under my cover. I didn't knew how to feel. I couldn't understand anything.

PHIL'S POV!

"MUM!" I shouted and began to find my stuff.

"What is it?" She answered nervously and entered the room. "Are you going already?" She questioned and looked at my things.

"Yes. Yes, I have to go home. When is the first train to London?" I stormed around.

"Hey. Relax Phillip. What is wrong?"

"I don't know what is wrong, but I left Dan alone. I-I don't know what I was thinking. ARGH, I'M SO STUPID."

"That is wrong with him?"

"I don't know what is wrong with him, but he have just called and he defiantly didn't sound okay. I'm so sorry, but I have to go home." Thought about what he could have done scared me.

It was the longest train journey in my entire life.

When it finally stopped in London I sprinted out. It was quite crowed at the station, I had to push people aside. Maybe sometimes a bit harder than I intended to, making them shout at me. But I really didn't care right now.

I got outside and tried to find a cap, but others seemed to have the same idea. I was already so late because there were no train to London when Dan called. I had to wait.

I got one, jumped in and told the man to drive as fast as he could.

10 minutes and we were at our flat. I paid the man and run inside.

"DAN?!"

DAN'S POV!

"Dan?!" I heard the door open up and footsteps on the stairs. I couldn't answer. "Dan, where are you?!" I heard him search the flat before he finally find me curled up in a ball.

"Phil?" I whispered, still under my duvet. I couldn't trust voices. It could all just happen inside my head. I felt my cover been removed slowly.

"Heey." He smiled to me. With that smile I loved so much. The calming, heart warming Phil-smile.

I stared at him for a second, making sure he was there and then threw my arms around him.

"Take it easy."

"Don't ever leave me again, Phil." I breathed in relief into his hair. He pulled back, but I didn't release him so he just dragged me up in sitting position and placed himself on his knees in front of me. He slowly let this thumb run across my cheek. His eyes showed concern.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"It's around 7pm I guess. What happened to you? I was so worried."

"I-I can't remember." I sobbed. Phil's gazed moved to my arms and his eyes opened wide.

"Who did this?" His voice was serious. "Was it you?"

"I don't remember!" I yelled and pulled my arm back. I really couldn't, but it was probably myself.

"What do you mean 'you don't remember'?" He asked and held my arm again to see how bad it was.

"That I-I d-don't remember, Phil!" I sobbed slash yelled, but did my best to control myself. Phil looked up and gently removed the tears flowing down my cheeks.

"Have you ate anything?"

"N-no."

Phil let out a long breath before he spoke. "You can take a shower and get cleaned up, while I'll get us something to eat. What do you want?"

"I don't care. I'm not even hungry."

"You can pick whatever you want, Dan. Please, just something. Pizza?"

"That's fine, I guess."

"Okay. I'll order it. Now, take a shower. And can you please let the door stay open?"

I nodded and walked my way out to the bathroom, turned on the water and stepped in.

The feeling of hot water running over my body was calming. Pain from the cuts flushed through my body and the dried blood got mixed with the water and coloured it slightly pink. My arms looked like they have been dragged though a war.

I made the water as hot as humanly possible, letting it burning my skin. I placed myself on the floor, curled myself up in a ball and just felt how the water made my skin red. I closed my eyes.

"Hey Dan. The pizza has arrived, are you finished?" I heard Phil knock on the doorframe. He cut of my thoughts and made me jump a bit.

"Uhm, just a minute." I turned off the water and stepped out, dried myself and put on some clean clothes.

Phil waited for me outside the bathroom and followed me to the living room.

"Eat." He friendly commanded me.

I really wanted to, but it was so hard. But not even my demons or confusion could resist Phil begging gaze.

We ate in silence. Phil kept staring weird at me, I didn't like that. I tried to look away and just concentrate on eating the pizza, I had almost finish the half of it.

"We could watch I movie?" I suggested when the pizza was gone. Phil didn't answer, he just walked towards me, gently moved my hair away, placed a hand on my forehead and looked me in the eyes.

"You have a fever, Daniel." He whispered, his gaze locked in mine. I saw how he wrinkled his forehead in concern.

"I'm fine." I felt a bit sick, but I haven't slept for 3 days so I was just tired. He kept holding his hand on my forehead and it felt amazingly cold. I closed my eyes for a second, just to relax my mind and my eyes. I felt myself slowly lean forward against Phil's hand.

"Dan?" He said and I quick opened my again when I realised that I was doing. He laid his hands on my shoulders and breathed heavily.

"Should we watch a movie or not?" I realised myself from him.

"Avengers then." He answered and gave me an exasperated glance.

I laid my head in Phil's lap and he gently stroke my nearly dry, now hobbit curly hair. Sending small chills down my spine.

We were only 20 minutes into the movie when I started to feel really sick. I wanted to stand and run to the bathroom, but I was sure I wouldn't make it or pass out on my way. I just tried to breath steady and relax, but it only made it into gasping breaths.

I let an agonized groan crawl out of my lips and started to shake a bit. I don't know how, but in some way Phil understood what I was trying to tell him. He cautious placed my head on the sofa pillows and stormed out to get the bucket.

Then placed it beside the couch and helped me hold my head over the side. He gently brushed my hair away from my sweaty forehead while I emptied my stomach into the bucket. It hurt like hell, I had not enough energy left to do this.

I just closed my eyes and felt my head being moved back on the couch. I was too tired to do anything.

I felt Phil wipe my face clean with a cold, wet cloth. It was amazing because of the warm fever that razed through my body . I wanted to thank him for doing this, but I couldn't even open my eyes.

The nausea and the headache were so extreme I wished I could just die. I could feel myself float away into darkness, exhausted.

PHIL'S POV!

_I shouldn't have left him._ I thought to myself, but I really missed my family. I should have thought this through before. Something bad had happened while I was gone. Dan was extremely ill right now and it was probably my fault.

He was really exhausted and I could tell he had to use all this energy to throw up.

I wiped his face clean, not even sure if he was awake to feel it. I placed my hand on his forehead again. His fever was really high. I would give him something to lower the it, but I didn't think he could keep it in anyway.

I slowly moved him around, to make him comfortable the best way possible.

I sighed and placed myself in the chair opposite the couch, rubbing my forehead in confusion.

DAN'S POV!

I woke up to the unpleasant feeling of my stomach turn around. I squeezed my eyelids together and tried to move my head.

I gagged a couple of times half awake before I felt myself being moved over the edge of the couch. I took a deep breath just to be violently sick. It took all my power to empty, what I really hoped was the last of the contents in my stomach. I felt Phil's hand rubbing my back for some sort of comfort.

"I'm sorry.." I slurred without opening my eyes. "I don't feel so good, Phil." I cough a couple of times and Phil moved the bucked closer to my head, but nothing happened.

"No. I can see that." He said, cleaned my face again and got to stand."I'm going to take you to bed, okay?" I felt myself being lifted off the couch and into Phil's arms. I was like a doll, my energy level had hit bottom.

He laid me on the bed and pulled the duvet around me.

"I'll be right beside the bed, if you need to be sick, okay?"

I slowly moved my head to make a nod. Phil placed lips on my burning forehead. He really did care about me. I felt so bad for him that he had to do all this, but right now I was too ill to care or hide it.

Even a night without any sleep couldn't have been worse than this one. I woke up every 30 minutes and felt horrible. I felt so horrible I could just cry. My body was slowly shutting down and I so desperately wished it could end and then everything would be over. Every little movement hurt and my throat was burning.

"Are you finished?" Phil quietly asked, what seemed like the thousandth time and moved me back on the pillow.

"Yeah.." I murmured sleepy. "I'm so scared Phil."

"Of what?" He asked while he cleaned my face once again. But of course I couldn't throw anything up anymore, only the nausea and liquid was left.

"What if I die?"

"You're not going to die. I'll take care of you. It's okay to be sick." But I wasn't just sick, I knew that. It was my body's way to tell me that it couldn't be strong any longer. He lack of sleep and food and all the efforts I had put to it. And now when I was with Phil my brain found it okay to relax and tell me to do something about it. I had made myself sick.

"Can you hold me?"

"Are you sure? I don't like it if you have to be sick again." He looked so tired and it was my fault. I kept him awake.

"I think it's over. I feel a bit better. I promise I'll wake you if I feel bad." Phil nodded, yawned and claimed into the bed and slowly wrapped his arms around me, trying not to hold me too tight. He had replaced the duvet with a blanket because my fever was so high, but we could both still fit under it. "I love you, Phil.." I managed to say before I fell into a deep sleep.

* * *

**Chapter six will be up at some point before Sunday 1. December 2013. See ya when!**

**Remember to follow and favourite because it would make me happy and I really spend a long time writing it!**

(no need for reviews, I can read minds^.^)

-love you all!


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